And how to show your humans some love.

Ok Cats of Britain. Listen up. It’s that time of year again. You know the one. When your humans get all slushy and emotional. There’ll be cards and lack of cards, flowers or no flowers, chocolates or lots of chocolate, champagne or no champagne, surprise proposals or not, laughter or tears – or both (contrary creatures that they are, and they call us unpredictable!). 

The point is, we cats will be called upon to restore the balance. And to remind humans of the most important things in their lives, what matters most – us, of course!!

Why does my human do this on Valentine’s day? 

It’s something called Valentine’s Day. An illness that strikes many of them every year around this time. It’s uncertain where the illness originates from, but possibilities include:

• A religious saint martyred for marrying young Roman lovers after the emperor banned it to keep young men as single fighting soldiers
• A pagan festival of fertility and cleansing called Lupercalia

Humans of all ages and genders seem to be affected. Although the disease seems less intense among those in long-term human relationships. Severity varies between individuals and from year to year. Pretty confusing for us cats.

How will I recognise the symptoms of Valentine’s Day?

• Appearance of cards bearing pictures of hearts and champagne bottles, usually red in colour or in red envelopes.
• Humans poised over a piece of paper or computer screen for hours – trying to think of something witty or clever to write – successful outcome generally inversely proportional to time taken. 
• Floaty heart-shaped balloons and flowers, especially red roses, arriving at your door and occupying your favourite spot on the window sill. Or just getting in your way. 
• Humans getting all cross and irrational if your claw or tooth just ‘happens’ to burst said balloons. Or you pull all the petals off their roses. They’re a bit prickly to eat after all.
• Horribly gooey behaviour and inexplicable tendency to giggle.
• Sitting morosely at the foot of the stairs, watching the letter box in vain (admit it humans, we’ve all been there)

So all-in-all pretty easy symptoms to spot in affected humans. 

What’s the treatment for Valentine’s Day?

No cure, I’m afraid, Just wait for the symptoms to pass (eventually…)

What should I do if my human shows Valentines symptoms?

A step-by-step guide to symptoms, CAT scan diagnosis and what to do if your human succumbs to Valentine’s Day.

Symptom 1 – Humans pondering cards and how to write them? 

Diagnosis – They’re overthinking it. There is only one thing they need to share – their attention with you!

Instructions 

• Tail up and approach human to convey intent to interact – the recognised ‘feline’ friendly signal.
• Slowly add slight inviting curl of tail tip to one side if human is slow to respond.
• Proceed to rubbing face against human’s legs to initiate feline physical interaction (well, they don’t know they’re not cats, bless them).
• Still not getting the message – sit on the computer! And stare at them. Yes I know you’ll say you don’t like staring – unless it’s to pick a fight with the neighbour’s bossy Siamese. But humans seem to find it cute. Just keep your ears up, whiskers relaxed and claws IN.

Symptom 2 – Human sat at the bottom of the stairs next to the letter box all night 

Diagnosis – They wish they were cats and could go out at night

Instructions:

• Keep them company for a while (as long as you’ve nothing better to do).
• Add in an occasional head bump if they start leaking water from their eyes and blowing their noses. But don’t get too close. They may be going down with cat flu.

Symptom 3 – Consumption of excess chocolate or alcohol 

Diagnosis – Expressing happiness by making themselves sick. Or trying to make themselves feel better by making themselves sick.

Instructions

• Steer clear – sometimes humans are just too weird for us rational cats
• Steer clear – chocolate and alcohol are poisonous to cats

Symptom 4 – Absence of champagne and flowers, humans sat on sofa alone,  leaking eyes, watching endless tv, using up boxes of tissues, no ring

Diagnosis – Forgotten that we are still there

Instructions:

Maximise close contact and bonding.

First, a cautionary and surprising fact about humans. They don’t seem to understand that us ignoring them and doing our own thing is a sign of our trust and affection – weird eh? Imagine not knowing that… So we’ll have to do it another way:

• Stalk around the sofa with tail up, and cute expression. Head bumps, ankle rubs, a playful nibble or two (try not to draw blood). 
• Reawaken your inner kitten with some appealing purrs, gentle kneading of your human’s lap with your front paws (no claws again please) and lots of up close-and-personal face rubs.
• Try licking – normal mutual grooming for us cats, but some humans seem surprisingly put off by this.  
• Make yourself comfortable on their lap and give them an excuse for not moving off the sofa all night/week

Symptom 5 – Presence of champagne and/or flowers, two humans on your sofa, giddy giggles, possibly leaky eyes, NOT watching television – too intent on one another (pawsitively ghastly), and …. arrival of suitcases! 

Diagnosis – Forgotten we are still there!

Instructions – as symptom 4 above – but even more so.

And preferably make yourself comfortable right in between them. It’s your sofa after all.

And if you can’t beat them, join them!

Oh go on you softy humans- you may worship us on Valentines day, if you insist (and every other day of course).

Make Valentines day and every day special with:

• Lots of cuddles
• Face or ear rubs – we like that. Avoid tails though, unless we say otherwise
• Some nice fresh chicken or fish – as long as we’re not on a special diet
• New toys to keep our active brains stimulated and help us act like we would in the wild – pouncing, chasing, exploring
• Things to scratch (although we’re quite happy with the sofa or chair legs if you don’t want to)
• A bit of peace and quiet if that’s what we prefer – when we’re getting older or sick or get stressed by visitors
• Catnip galore 
• Your undivided attention

Not much to ask from your Purrfect Valentine – the one who Loves mew Furrever